i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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