none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
