I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
