two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
