I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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