Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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