There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
