I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize