my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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