I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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