Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
