mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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