Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
