omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
