My sheets look like a crime scene.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
