What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
