I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
