walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
