I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
