WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
