Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
