I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
