I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
