I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
