Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
