Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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