just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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