It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
