sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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