Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
