Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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