got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Randomize
