my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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