Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
"it" just moved
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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