Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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