I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize