Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
