it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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