The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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