I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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