hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
