The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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