You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Terrible idea I love it
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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