I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
