Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
