last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
