I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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