My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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