I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
