Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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