So drunk its hurt
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just had sex on a roof
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
