we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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