You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
