I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize