They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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