So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
