I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
