At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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