If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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