do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
