i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
