Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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