this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
